I am placing myself out in the proverbial spotlight. I have started to post a book that I am working on Royal Road. One chapter at a time. The site is doing a write-a-thon of 55,555 words in about a month. I am going to do my best to keep the story that I have started before. going.
The name of the book as of now is Emissary of Chaos. May change if I publish it.
Disclosure: images is AI generated. My story is not.
I wonder, not lost, not afraid but in a way that leads me to where I need to be. A journey of courage and change of hope and freedom. I seek a truth that is buried within me, one that I can find alone. Along this journey I seek not validation but tribulation? Of Growth, I seek to be questioned by the wise to go forth and be one with the night sky and feel at peace, not along anymore, not the old me but something reborn something Mighty and holy something Godlike but not too prideful, I want to find my way and be far from the ordinary, the average, the mundane. I seek clarity and the understanding of myself, and my true passion, whatever it or who I may be. I long for connection, or embrace. O let me see my path, let me find my way…. Thoughts slowly fade and I return…
I stare into the abyss, not knowing that it stares back at me. Not knowing that it fears that I see it. Not knowing that the abyss is a reflection of my soul for it is where I was born. Not in darkness but deep within Chaos herself. For I am molded not into a shell but into a body of life and love, of hope and dreams. Of liberation, determination and true freedom.
I just woke up from a nap and that is what I have to say. I love it. I feel it. I am it. I am no longer bound by my emotions and my limitations. If only this feeling would last I would shoot for the moon and hit the stars. Or something even beyond my very own imagination. The Abyss itself. Something, not upon the Earth but in the darkness that is beyond our sights. Something lost within our minds locked behind doubt and self loathing. Something far beyond who we dream we can be.
I am not sure why I woke up and wrote this but I love the longing and the yearning for more. The hope, the ambitions to dive deep into my soul, to give up control and finally find what I seek.
I do not know my reason, my “why” I do the things that I do. I simply exist. I live a life of sleep. Some days are better than others yet, all I do is sleep. Over fourteen hours or so a day. There are even days where I sleep over nineteen hours.
I am alive but do I live? Do I even know what life is? How am I supposed to exist in this world if all I do is dream? Even when I am awake.
Dreams of winning a lottery dreams of creating things deep in my imagination, my very essence, my soul. I am still a work in progress, after over forty years of life. Help me help myself.
I know money is not the answer to my problems. In fact it may even make things worse. Yet I want to find out how it will affect my life, how it will harm me more. Or if not harm me how it can help.
I do not truly know what I would do with money beyond imagination, or how much that is to me. A massive amount of money would change things, for the better or worse is yet to be seen. Yet I want to see it.
Say I win the lottery tonight, Monday March, 3rd 2025. I would have an estimate of 82 million after tax. I have 12 million of that set aside to give to my family. I would be left with about 70 million. Yeah that is a lot to think about for myself. A lot of dreams I can fulfill. But would I act even with that much money? Or would it get worse in my ways and just let the money sit around? I do not even know.
I dream, big and small I want to have it all but in the end what is it all for?
I never know where to start, or even if I should. I think and think of what could or should be, yet I am lost. I know I am not alone being lost. I know that I am the one who needs to be found. I am lost and trying to find my way in this unforgiving world.
Each day is a task, each moment is a challenge, yet I need to WAKE UP. I need to get my act together and find a reason not a single reason but many. I need purpose and a reason to exist, yet I know that not everyone is the protagonist in the story of this world.
I have so many questions:
Who am I, why am I, what am I?
I do think that there is no one answer to the questions. I think I am and will always be a work in progress.
So join me as I work out things and try to find a path that gets me to a life I want to live. For now that is about all I can think about.
Everything has a beginning , this is mine. I may be in my 40s but I am alive and can evolve and change as I grow older and wiser in my days.
I may not be the best at Grammar or Spelling but I will do my best to improve.
I am not 100% sure of what all will go on this site but I do know I am going to take my time on posts and think about things.
On the other hand this blog/site is for me. I am doing this to improve my own mental health an wellbeing. If anything resonates with you fill free to join in on the conversation with a comment or share it someplace.
This is a Start nothing more nothing less lets us start A new.
Ahnew Me 